Do you care whether you are raising happy children?
I don’t.
*Gasp!*
Yes, you read me right. My children’s happiness don’t matter in the parenting choices I make. Really they don’t.
I think we parents shouldn’t prize our children’s happiness as a parenting goal, and it shouldn’t even be a reflection or measure of our parenting efforts.
Here’s Why:
#1. Because life isn’t about the pursuit of happiness.
#2. Because happiness is relative and fleeting.
#3. Because the things that make one happy may not be the things that are beneficial for us, or even moral or right.
#4. Because often, it can be a tough battle fighting for the things worth fighting and living for.
#5. Because happiness all too often focuses on the self, breeding an egocentric worldview.
Eh, Sarah, aren’t your children very poor thing then to have a Mummy who doesn’t believe in their happiness?
Well, I believe that raising my children to have an attitude of contentment and thankfulness IN SPITE OF circumstances not going their way is far better than focusing on their happiness.
And well, maybe, I just have one of the rare or ONLY 4-year-old in the world who actually says “I’m not happy” when I mete out the consequences for his misbehaviours.
Yes, he really does. He stands/sits in his Thinking Corner, crosses his arms, pouts and shouts, “I’M NOT HAPPEEEE!!! I DON’T WANT MUMMY!!! ”
How should I respond to that?
If I’m having a parent tantrum, I would go, “Fine! Scream all you want. Another 10 minutes out for you!”
But most times, I try instead to say, as calmly as possible ,”Even if you don’t want me, I still want you. I love you and that is why I have to discipline you, and help you learn what is right. Even if you are not happy.”
My children’s happiness , as I have learnt, doesn’t equate to acceptable or right behaviour.
They are happy to sit in front of the TV/ iPad for the entire day in their PJs, eating junk food.
They are happy taking out all my toilet rolls and mummifying my furniture and floor.
They are happy climibing up the window grilles of my apartment.
They are happy to play with all their toys and not need to help with packing up.
They are happy to get what they want, all the time.
Who’s going to care if they are hapy when they are out of the family?
An older mother, in her 50s and a teacher, made this significant remark to me:
“In our generation, we were concerned as parents about how to raise our children to be independent.
It seems that the present generation of parents are more concerned about raising children to be happy.”
As I think about her comment, I do think it is true.
We worry about which school to send our children to, and if it will be the best place for our children based on whether they will be happy.
We make decisions about what activities our children should do based on whether they enjoyed themselves during the trial classes.
I’m not saying we don’t have to ensure the emotional well-being of our children. But surely, the emotional welfare of our children goes beyond their mere happiness?
January 10, 2013 at 07:46
Strong reminder, Sarah! “Parent tantrum” struck a chord with me too, I just didn’t realise that losing my temper at my child throwing a tantrum is me throwing a tantrum too.
Indeed, life is not a pursuit of happiness, but if we could perform our duties happily, ah, such a bonus!
January 10, 2013 at 07:48
I supposed it is not that we don’t care whether they are happy, but that happiness is not the priority, rather well-being is.
January 10, 2013 at 17:13
Cindy, yes! I think all our lives will be infinitely better if we do perform all our tasks with joy. But I really struggle with domestic chores, I tell you!
January 11, 2013 at 23:53
Haha, I think we all do!
February 12, 2013 at 07:41
Yup! I think we all do care about their happiness… Just as we care about our own.
But depending on how we define and pursue happiness it can be constructive or destructive.
For me I tend to think of happiness as defined by our modern parenting as negative.
Too much is given to privilege their comfort more than their well-being.
The hard truth in life is that discipline is often, if not always, uncomfortable and therefore ‘unhappy’.
January 10, 2013 at 08:57
Hi Sara,
Thanks for the good read, brings another perspective into parenting. I always say all I want is for my boy to be healthy & happy. Am now thinking about what that statement really means to me.
Cheers!
January 10, 2013 at 17:12
Hi Shermeen! Actually, maybe happy and joyful may really mean the same thing? But well, I also need to go reflect deeper on how I believe joy and happiness to be different too! For now, I somehow feel happiness is more superficial than joy. Joy to me is a deep-rooted state of being content and thankful regardless of circumstances.
January 10, 2013 at 09:12
Wow awesome post! I never saw it that way.. Certainly very true but then there are also the parents who completely neglect their kids happiness. I guess balance is key
January 10, 2013 at 09:30
Such a good reminder! Indeed, life is not pursuit of happiness, but it’s also important to teach how to happily perform our duties, instead of grouchily and reluctantly living our life, you think?
I’ve never thought of “parent tantrum”, but realised now that I’ve been throwing them when I lose my temper at my child who would be throwing her tantrum! Now, I’m ashamed…. I will have to remind myself now!
January 10, 2013 at 17:10
Cindy, yes! How to do the yucky menial things in life without complaining? For me, I’m learning to take more care and joy in doing housework… not very successful. But well, we all have to start somewhere. And please, don’t be ashamed! We are all learning! I am a MAJOR spoilt-brat-parent…all those parent tantrums I’ve been throwing! Hugs. We all encourage each other along this journey, okay?
January 10, 2013 at 09:58
Nice post! Very inspiring. I think I should reflect on myself too.
January 10, 2013 at 17:02
I am glad it inspired you to reflect on your parenting. I think self-reflection is a very important exercise we all should do every so often.
January 10, 2013 at 10:15
I can truly relate to your post! Comes to think of it, ahem me & the hubs are making our boys UNHAPPY most of the time! LOL
Thank you for writing this. This can clearly explained why the young generation now is this self centered – As their OWN happiness comes first before anything.
January 10, 2013 at 17:01
Rachel, thanks for the affirmation! I was really a little apprehensive about posting this. Who knows what bullets are going to fly my way? To be fair, however, I think even with my parents’ strict upbringing, I also find myself a little pampered and spoilt…and am trying my best to be less self-centred as a parent and individual even now!
January 10, 2013 at 16:42
Totally agree with your post! Our kids do not need another buddy, but someone who can set and enforce limits for their behavior. I think there are two types of parents who like ensure that their kids are happy with the decisions they make for the latter; busy parents who don’t have much time for their kids, guilt causes them to want to make sure that their kids are happy when they are not around. And permissive parents also like to ensure their kids are happy, it is just easier being a parent when kids are happy with the decisions/arrangements that are made for them. What makes a child happy doesn’t always mean that it will be good for the child.
January 10, 2013 at 17:00
Just like what makes us adults happy aren’t always what is best for us.
January 11, 2013 at 08:19
If you’re referring to happiness as a feeling, then I’d agree. Feelings are fleeting and unstable. One can be feeling high one moment and low another. It’s true we should not base our parenting choices on our kids’ feelings, especially when it comes to discipline. My 4-year-old will also tell me “I’m very sad” when I discipline him. But I still have to and still do discipline him, regardless.
However, to say that parents don’t care about their child’s happiness? That I have to disagree. If you don’t care whether your child is happy or not, you will not bother to cook his favourite food, celebrate his birthday, buy him presents, bring him to fun places etc…and the list goes on.
Truth is, which parent will not bother whether his child is happy or not? That, to me, is quite an irresponsible parent.
February 8, 2013 at 04:09
Sorry I only just saw your comment as it got ‘buried’ under the string of comments in my inbox.
Yes I meant more of the former.
As for the latter context you described, I have to agree that it would be irresponsible of parents to sideline the emotional security and well-being of the child.
However emotional security and well-being is not always synonymous with happiness
Though I must admit that this term ‘happiness’ and its
Meaning may be arguably a matter of semantics.